She died.
She got sick. Then I got sick. Then she got sick again… and she died.
Were we good at the end? Yes.
But it was not a good ending. It was a shitty ending full of pain and sorrow and grief. It was a hard ending.
And still there is so much more. But it’s hard to write about.
I looked back and read the posts from my heyday as an adoption blogger and honestly, I barely recognize that person. I’m glad. That was kind of the point. The blog documented the beginning of the reunion when I was confronting all of these feelings I was never allowed to confront. It earned me a lot of things including death threats.
But I kept trying to explain that how I felt was how I felt. I doubted even then that I would feel the same way ten years later. And now it is ten years later and I do feel it but I don’t. I grew, I guess.
I wish I could say that I have no regrets but I do. Of course, I do. I wish for a do-over.
I wonder if we would do things differently if we knew how little time we would actually have.
Magical thinking can get you nowhere and everywhere.
Maybe I will write more another day.
